Spouses of Sex Addicts/Betrayal Trauma

Hundreds of people wake up every day to discover their partner, the one person whom they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease–sex / pornography addiction. Spouses or partners are often left devastated and angry, attempting to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts. If you are a partner who has just made this discovery, your first instinct may be to flee the situation and never look back. That is absolutely your choice, but it is important for you to know that there are other options besides leaving.

Your first steps should include establishing your safety, protecting yourself, and getting support. Most therapists strongly recommend taking six to twelve months to evaluate the relationship. During this time, you shouldn’t make any major life decisions, however Seek personal therapy from a certified or experienced therapist who specializes in sex addiction. If a therapist is available that specializes in working with partners, even better.Insist that your partner receive an evaluation and follow the recommendations from a trained therapist. Work with your own therapist to set boundaries to protect yourself while you evaluate your relationship.

Dr. Jill Manning’s definition of trauma and betrayal trauma, so here they are:

“Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or overwhelming experience that is commonly followed by emotional and physical shock. If left unresolved or untreated, traumatic experiences can lead to short and long-term challenges.

In contrast, betrayal trauma occurs when someone we depend on for survival, or are significantly attached to, violates our trust in a critical way.”

Although the purpose of this post is to dive into intimate betrayal trauma, these symptoms also apply to other kinds of betrayals (like getting fired from a secure job, getting cut off by a loved one, finding out a trusted friend betrayed you).

Here are some things that may show up after a betrayal:

Feeling Unlovable

It’s common to think through what happen, and place blame on yourself. Feeling’s of low self worth often pop up creating a temporary or sometimes long-term narrative that the betrayal was somehow your fault.

Nightmares or Night Terrors

The emotional impact of finding out your spouse or significant other has not been faithful, can show up during sleep, causing excessive exhaustion, increased anxiety, and a fear of going to sleep.

Hypervigilance

When your world has been turned upside down, often you begin to become hyper-sensitive. Things that may not have bothered you before, are now HUGE deals, causing you to feel miserable and triggered often. You may find yourself becoming a detective and spending excessive time checking credit card statements, or browsing through your partners internet history.

Avoiding Connection

It’s common in betrayal trauma to avoid close relationships. The shame of what happened can push you away from feeling safe to discuss the details and how you are feeling.

Numbness

Feeling like you don’t feel anything is often a common reaction to finding out you’ve been cheated on, or using other things (alcohol, sleep, etc.) to escape and avoid feeling.

Feeling Revved

You might be experiencing a burst of energy, getting things done, tasks that have always been on your to-do list, but you haven’t had the time/energy to get them done. This may show up through excessive working, exercising, working on house projects, etc…

Emotional Instability

You may experience “frequent mood shifts, over-the-top emotional reactions, tearfulness, rage, etc., sometimes followed by feelings of intense love and a desire to “make it work.”- Rob Weiss

Being Easily Triggered

You may find yourself becoming triggered by your partner being five minutes late, lingering on an image on tv, or taking phone calls/texts. Since the trust is damaged, everything is in question.

Symptoms of Anxiety or Depression

Feeling overwhelmed after finding out your loved one is an understatement, and oscillating between feelings of intense anxiety and hopelessness are a common and normal reaction.

Going into Attack Mode

“Going on the attack by “lawyering up,” spending money to punish the addict, telling the kids age-inappropriate information about what the addict did, etc.”- Rob Weiss